525,600 Minutes

One year ago today my life changed forever. I was in the office working (i.e. surfing the net for celebrity gossip) when all of the sudden Caryn started screaming "Oh my God" from the bedroom. It was the kind of scream she usually reserves for large insects or winning lottery tickets. Come to think of it, the mix of really scared and really excited is actually the perfect reaction to seeing a pink "+" show up on a stick you just peed on. Now, I didn't know she had taken a pregnancy test. My reaction to the scream was immediate. As soon as I finished reading the article on Jessica Alba's new bikini, I ran top speed down the hall to see what the commotion was. Caryn couldn't speak but she was holding the aforementioned stick. Using my powers of deduction, I realized Caryn was probably screaming because we were out of pregnancy tests. I immediately apologized because in the name of science, I had used a few to test my own pee, a glass of lemonade, and the spoiled milk in the fridge. (The juice and I were negative but the bad milk was inconclusive). Finally, Caryn said "I think I'm pregnant!" The next hour is a blur but there was a lot of "Oh my God", "This is crazy", "I love you", and "I have super sperm!" It's been a whirlwind 365 days but one hell of a ride. Happy anniversary Fee!

Do You Like See-Food?

Ben's started eating cereal; that lovely gray-brown mix of oatmeal and formula. We put a little on a spoon and as we moved it towards his mouth, he just opened right up. It's like he's been eating for years. I feel like any day now he's going to look up at me and say, "Dad, can we go get a burrito?"

My How Things Have Changed

For Memorial Day last year, I was with some friends from college at a lake house in Virginia. Here's the schedule from Saturday exactly one year ago. (make sure you read the previous memorial day entry below).

10-ish - Wake up, eat a donut
10:30 - Bloody Mary's - the breakfast of champions
11:30 - Started drinking (bloody mary's don't count) because we realized it was close enough to noon.
12:00 - Hot Dogs
1:30 - Hey, Barry and Caryn made Rum Punch!!!
1:38 - 5:00 [scene missing]
6:00 - Hamburgers and switched to drinking beer because I have to wake up at some point tomorrow.
Scattered throughout the day were games of beer pong and peeing in a lake.

...memories...

Say Cheese

It's hard out here for a pimp
He is chewing on everything
Kissy lips

Happy Memorial Day!

Here is Saturday's schedule

Ben wakes up around 6:00AM
Change and feed baby
Play with baby until around 9:00
Change and feed Ben
Put him down for his morning nap
Go to babies-r-us and buy stuff (it's like the grocery store, if you go in without a list, you come home with WAY more than you planned).
Go to plant nursery and get flowers for deck (Chris and Fiona, your roses didn't make it, sorry) (The lilies are flourishing though)
Home around 12:00 for lunch (both us and Ben).
Play with the baby, look at the baby, watching, judging
Around 3:00, he should go down for another nap. Caryn and I will vacuum, do laundry, clean.
Ben wakes up at 4:00, we'll probably go for a walk around the neighborhood for some fresh air
Change and feed Ben around 4:30
Dinner @ 5:30
Bathe Ben at 6:30
Read stories to Ben until 7:00
Feed last bottle and put in crib at 7:15
Sit on deck and have MAYBE 2 beers because Ben's going to wake up tomorrow at 6:00AM (sometimes 5:00) and I just need sleep!

(Steve, Barry,Matt, and Chris - I know I already sent this in an email but I wanted to share with everyone)

Bottles Bottles Everywhere So Let's All Have A Drink

I hate washing bottles. As soon as I finish, there's a new bottle sitting by the sink, staring at me, mocking my every attempt at keeping all the nipples clean (huh huh). I haven't proven it yet but I also think the toaster is laughing at me. We're using the Dr. Browns bottles which have numerous parts to wash. There's the bottle, nipple (huh huh), screw cap, bubble tube, and aerator. I don't know Dr. Browns credentials but he's inventing parts for the sole purpose of increasing my washing time. Ben has gone from 8 bottles a day to only 4 or 5 but I still feel like if I'm not holding him, I'm washing his "feeding system." So to all those out there with dry, cracked, dish soap hands I say, keep your nipples clean and your bottoms dry.

Rollin' Rollin' Rollin'

Check out Ben's new trick - it still hasn't gotten old (at least to us)

Things You Can Do With A 401K...

Roll over! Ben surprised us yesterday when Trudy (his wonderful sitter) told us she put Ben down for a nap on his back, came back later and discovered he was asleep on his stomach. Ben managed to roll from his back to his front. This is supposedly harder than stomach to back but he never takes the easy road. He woke up at 3 AM last night to show off his new trick but got frustrated that he didn't have the energy to roll back onto his back. Now, less than 48 hours later, he's like a steamroller. I guess we can't let him nap on his changing pad anymore.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Babies

Ben is officially out of his "Fourth Trimester." He sleeps through the night, we have a feeding schedule down, and he's stopped grabbing his belly button while screaming "why did you take me from that wonderful place!" I think all males live their life trying to get back in the uterus. It's not that we want to mate with anything that has boobs, it's the hope that we can "go home", so to speak. Too graphic? This isn't my point anyway...
Getting on with it, Caryn and I have started realizing that now is the time Ben will start to form habits; habits that can become VERY hard to break if continued. You start thinking "Am I letting him sleep in my arms too much? Should we still be swaddling him less? Should I not feed him when he's crying? What about the pacifier? How long should he nap? Is he too young to let him in the crib to cry it out? When do I go in and help him vs. leave him alone?" It's really starting to fill my mind with thoughts of a warped teenager who still sucks his thumb and needs to be wrapped up to sleep. You think everything you do will have long term consequences. Unfortunately, his "User Manual: The Guide to Bennet" got lost somewhere so we're flying off the cuff. I think every parent can sympathize with this. Wait until he starts eating real food. Do we go organic? Low sodium? Low sugar? Home made? Who knows? Ralph Wiggum for President.

Cat Coping Skills

Ladies and Gentleman, the Duchess of Sass (Reese) being escorted by Lord Bennet (the Duke of Pampers). From Ben's shirt, you can tell he's as cool as a cucumber. And Although Reese looks calm, I promise you the only thought in her head is "must resist eating baby's face...why is it touching me...find a happy place."
The cat actually seems to be ok with her demotion down the family hierarchy. She does miss the attention but rather than take it out on Ben, she's just been sleeping more...in her dreams, she is the almighty queen, ruler of all things fleece.

14 Weeks

Back To Work

Well it's been 3 days since Caryn went back to work and Ben went to "camp." He spends the day at a friends mothers' house and seems to be doing fine. I'm not surprised. She's great with babies and Ben has no idea where he is. As long as he's got a clean diaper and a bottle every few hours, he'd be happy being held by Hannibal Lecter....babies are so stupid. Caryn is doing great; happy to be out of the house conversing with adults but wondering why her arms feel so light. I went home for lunch the other day and it was so strange walking into my EMPTY house. No Ben, no Caryn, just the cat licking her butt...I didn't know what to do with myself (actually I danced around the living room ala "Risky Business" minus the tighty whities...minus Rebecca Demornay as well).

Iron Fist

Just yesterday Ben started gripping objects (mostly our fingers) and holding on tightly. It may seem like a small, forgettable skill but to people like Tiger Woods, grip is everything. Of course to an unladen swallow, it's not even a question of whether it grips...it's a simple weight/strength ratio. A 5 pound bird cannot grip a 10 pound coconut. Regardless, unless you're looking to migrate with a coconut, grip is important. I always fall back on Monty Python references, it's my safety net.

By the way, I think I have an idea who "commented" on the last blog entry about me selling more product and spending less time on the Internet. Maybe next time I see you, I'll be too preoccupied about the blog and forget your precious donuts...

So Much For A Dry Run

It has been exactly 12 weeks since Fee became Bennet. Because of that, Caryn had to go back to work today. This is the first time we both have to leave the house for work in the morning. We haven't figured out who does what yet. So, yesterday morning (Tuesday) was a rehearsal. Caryn pretended she was getting up for work and I actually got up for work. Things went pretty smoothly until I got an hour from home and realized I had forgotten to shave (I did however have pants on). I know what most of you are thinking, "Eric, you have the facial hair of a 17 year old." I admit I am no grizzly-man but there are certain places on my face that grow hair and need to get shaved every day. I don't have that cool, Jake Gyllenhaal unshaven but trendy look. I have the uneven, 17 year old, my parents haven't bought me a razor yet look. Oh well. I actually took the rest of the week off so we can do more practice runs. I took Ben to the grocery store around 11 and had no less than 3 hot moms tell me how cute Ben was. He's a total babe magnet...way more powerful than a puppy.

New Trick

The good news is that Ben can hold his head up really well. The bad news...it blows his frickin mind!!!! His face looks like "are you sure I'm supposed to be doing this?"

Bennet Heffner

Hey Ladies! Check out Ben's robe. It's comfortable and fashionable. In case you're wondering what he's wearing under there, let's just say he was feeling a bit Scottish that day.

Nine Hours

Ben ate dinner at 10:00 last night then went right down for a good nights sleep. At 6:45 am Caryn and I sat up with a start because we hadn't heard a peep from him. Sleeping Beauty had slept through the night and then some! We got 7 and a half straight hours of sleep and it feels AWESOME. This one night may have been a fluke so I don't want to get my hopes up. It's a historical day anyway. Also, Ben is exactly 11 weeks old today. Caryn has to go back to work in a week :(

Ben O'Bronfenbrenner

What are you doing reading the blog? Go out and drink a pint! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Model Student

At his 2 month check up, Bennet weighed 13 pounds 2 ounces and was 24 inches long. That puts him in the 90th percentile for height and weight. He's already getting straight A's!!! He passed all his developmental tests; he follows objects with his eyes, his hips seem to be in their sockets (unlike Ryan), and everything that is supposed to descend has done so (i.e. the apples are in the basket)

4 Times The Pain

Poor little Ben received 4 shots today at his 2 month check up. He received vaccinations for mumps, polio, and of course, the extremely important, cootie shot. That one lasts forever as long as someone doesn't call "anti-cootie shots" while punching him in the arm. Most children need frequent cootie shot boosters throughout elementary school. I do feel a little guilty because I couldn't make it to his appointment. I felt like I was turning my back on him when he needed me most. "I abandoned my child! I abandoned my boy!!!" Daniel Day Lewis ain't got nothing on me.

Eye Spy

I took this picture, Dave and Tria are having happy fun Ben time, Caryn is in the background cleaning.

Bennet is getting really good at following objects with his eyes. I know, who cares, right? Well it's his only trick and dammit, it's a cute one. Perfect timing, Uncle Dave and (future) Aunt Tria came in from Berkeley to visit. They even gave Ben a play mat. Now he stares at an elephant and monkey instead of mom and dad. The smile is getting more common as well but a lot of the time is in no relation to a stimulus. For example, Ben was lying (laying?) on the couch with his face 2 inches from the cushion. He was smiling at it like it was his best friend. The couch doesn't feed you Ben, stop licking it.

Say Cheese

Do you see something funny? Am I a clown to you? What, am I here for your amusement?
Daddy, will you make me pancakes?

The Transition Into Parenthood

I've been noticing subtle clues that we're becoming parents (besides the obvious 13 pound poop machine asleep in the other room). First off, the new car. Caryn had an Acura TSX; a sporty 4 door zoom zoom car that was really nice to drive. It was not made for carseats however. We began looking for a new car and settled on the Ford Edge. It's big and roomy but doesn't scream "I've given up on my youth" quite like a minivan. It's more like a mini-Minivan.

Second, we were in New York this weekend with grandma watching the baby. Instead of going out for a nice dinner and drinks, we chose to go to bed early and get some rest. It's Saturday night and the only thing I want to do is sleep.

Third, and maybe scariest of all, when around friends, I find myself talking solely about the baby. I always hated those new parents that only talk about their kids (...and their bowel movements). The strangest part is that although I'm conscious of the fact I've become that parent, it doesn't bother me that much. The way I see it, I'm only a few weeks away from getting that T-shirt in the mall with my kids face on the front that says, "World's Greatest Dad." In case your wondering, Ben's poop is just fine...runny but not too runny...kind of smells like asparagus.

Ewe's Not Fat, Ewe's Just Fluffy

In just over a month, the doctor went from telling Ben "I'm worried he's losing too much weight" to "His weight is fine as long as he's 12 months old." Our little porker eats like a Rawandan refugee at an Old Country Buffet. Since that first week when he'd lost an entire pound, his average gain has been a pound a week. He's almost 14 pounds (almost double his birth weight) and he's not even 8 weeks yet. There are many species of fish in the deepest parts of the ocean that are opportunistic feeders, eating whenever food is available, regardless of being hungry or not. Ben eats the same way (as do the people applying to be on the "Biggest Loser" TV show). He'll chug 6 ounces of milk and be willing to eat an hour later. It's like if I ate a 20 piece chicken McNugget and large fry then walked across the street to Friendly's and had a 5 scoop reeses pieces sundae. "Yes I want the whipped cream and extra hot fudge!!!" I did actually do that a few times in High School but I was swimming 7,000 yards a day. Ben's major form of activity is kicking his legs a few times after farting. Anyway, we've curtailed his eating to a normal level and he hasn't seemed to notice. He's happy and healthy. Besides, who doesn't love a fat, rolly-polly baby.

Retraction

To quote my wife, the last post was "a little too cynical". (however, to quote Jerry McGuire, "we live in a cynical world.") After some thought, I have to agree with Caryn. Buying silly outfits that the baby will never wear is part of being a new parent. One night before Ben was born, we took the tags off all his little newborn clothes and put them in the wash. We then sat next to each other on the floor, held up each outfit, made an "ohhh" sound, and folded the tiny pants and little hooded sweatshirts. It didn't matter that he might not wear it. Just picturing our baby-to-be in those outfits was worth every penny. So enjoy shopping for your real life Barbie or Ken doll. Those memories are just as important as any other. Babies-R-Us thanks you.

It's A Scam

There are businesses in life that take advantage of the consumer because they know you need their services. They inflate their prices (i.e. a $2,000 veil which is essentially lace and elastic) and convince you to buy useless upgrades (Does you great aunt Ethel really need a 500 year water tight titanium coffin?). Funeral homes, anything to do with weddings, and hospitals are examples of this. A new addition to this list is baby items. More specifically, newborn clothing. Ben is already wearing 3 month clothing. As an "amoeba-like" newborn, he wore about 12% of the newborn clothing we bought or had received as a gift. You see these tiny jean jackets, cool hoodies, and mini cargo pants for newborns and you're already thinking about how cute the picture will be. What you don't realize is a newborn needs to wear 2 things. A diaper and a sleep sack. The sleep sack keeps him warm but makes it easy to change him. It's basically a potato sack with arms sewn in. All the other stuff is difficult to get on because he has the consistency of the previously mentioned amoeba. You're too worried about snapping his neck to put a shirt on. The pants might rub his umbilical cord so they're out. The hooded sweatshirt is probably a suffocation hazard or something.

That's the other thing. How come everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, has become an object to fear because it has the potential to kill your child. We'll eventually develop levitation technology to float your child 6 inches above his crib surrounded in a Star Wars style force field impenetrable to everything except bottles and soft hugs. The last time I checked, the cat licks her feet after using the litterbox. Just rinse off the pacifier and let it do it's pacifying. I've really gotten off track here...

Parents to be: Don't go crazy with newborn sized outfits. It's a waste. You'll have plenty of time to dress him up later. Just look at Ben in his spiffy 3 month jeans and monkey socks. Did I say monkey socks? Yes, he has them in 6 different colors...plus they're too big for a newborn.

Deer In Headlights

Bennet just learned how babies got made.

Do You Know The Monkey Man?

At some point during freshman year, I got the nickname Monkey Boy (thanks Kirsten, it really helped with the ladies). I eventually embraced the name but since college, it has faded into the "remember when" file. You can imagine I had a small nostalgic tear this morning when I took this picture. Just to prove the cyclical world we live in, we got this monkey chair from Kirsten and Holly, the givers of the name monkey boy. The torch has been passed to a new generation of Brofs. Well, just one Brof. Carry it well, little Ben.

Special Valentines Day Present

Ben is so sentimental. As a gift to mom and dad for valentines day, Ben's umbilical cord FINALLY fell off. Caryn found it in the footie of Bennet's PJ's this morning. Now he has a real belly button which means he can take a real bath. Honestly, sponge baths sound nice but you get cold very quickly; ask anyone who has ever ended up in traction.

Bennet did very well in his first bath. He was so happy, he made a beautiful fountain that arched up and over the far edge of the tub. I'm just so proud of his range.

Second Father-Son Moment

Don't worry, we both get it for the articles.